My dating life has not changed

Traveling solo

So, I've set a goal for myself to have ten posts in three days. Ambitious, for me, and not typically my speed. So, I figured I'd just post some letters I've written in the past. My emails and pictures are my diary entries, so I went into my archives to find some content.

Lazy or smart? Who can say?!?! Perspective is everything!

Well, I didn't find what I was initially looking for, but I did find a letter to a lover from 2016. Damn. This could have been written to anyone I dated before 2023. Lordt. If you wonder why I'm single (even though just the tribe will read this and already know), here's a snapshot of the shit I've been trying to figure out in my thirties and forties. I just thought I was right in my twenties ;)

I redacted names, but the rest is straight up copied and pasted from gmail.

THIS is why I live alone with Dani.

Side note: one of my besties read this over, and guessed three different people who this could have been addressed to. That is wild. Just goes to show that I really could have written this to any person I've ever dated and why I've been single and healing going on two years.

Here we go...

Hey, you. I just got home from my first "unofficial" day of work, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. The month of July was a doozie for me, and hindsight shows my current state shouldn't be such a s shock. But, it was.

I normally disengage during the summers. I travel. I keep to myself. I do what I want. This summer was not unlike that, except I lacked a sense of feeling grounded; I was unbalanced. I am in a new place of questioning things and feeling uncomfortable, but just sitting there, being stagnant. I'm not forging ahead and investigating.

Today, I feel I got pointed back in the right direction. School has been my life for years now, and I will have to work hard to find a balance, but I needed this structure.

I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry I've been distant. I think there are many reasons: unsure personally/spiritually/emotionally, worried about timing, unclear "how" to incorporate someone else into my life, not sure how to do long-distance well, pressure of this being make-it or break-it, hoping that my motives are honorable (timing worries me), worried that I will fall into the same cycle of giving myself physically and retreating emotionally. There's probably more, but I don't feel like going fishing.

Anyway, I'm sorry. But, then I realized I was being distant with everyone. It wasn't just you! (which puts me in a much more fucked up place, but it helped me gain a little more clarity). My trip to NC was über weird. I had walls up a mile high, and even though I was with some of the people who love me the most - the people I live everyday life with - I couldn't let them in. I just wanted to run. So, I took my last few days before work to retreat hardcore before I had to fake it until I made it.

My retreating was not about you. It wasn't about my friends. It wasn't about my family. This is "me shit," and I am not sure anyone can help me with it. And, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I want help. Don't get me wrong, y'all reaching out but being patient with me at the same time has been beautiful. And, I had to rehearse how grateful I was that I had people in my corner.

But, this is a cycle of mine. This happens. Erika and Carey only called me out on it because this is the first time they've had such close proximity to me when I've been in this place.

I'm not saying it's a good place. I'm not saying I want to be there. But, I am saying that this happens. And, folks trying to tell me what I "should do" only makes it worse. I'm a smart girl; I know what I need to do. I just didn't do it for a while. I lived excessively this summer, and my mind/body/spirit can't handle excess for too long.

I got back on my medicine on Sunday because I couldn't start my school year where I was last week (or even two days ago). It was a recipe for disaster, and meds are a quick fix. Do I have other things I need to be working on and investigating while the medicine works? Yes. And, I will do so.

I also want to acknowledge that you've been such a giver this month, which has been a foil (for me - probably for you too) to highlight how selfish I have been. I don't want to be that way at all, but I'm just not strong enough to give any more than I'm giving right now.

(I just read over all this and I hope acknowledging my selfishness but not doing anything different doesn't seem to compound it. I feel like I just have this little sliver of light that is even giving me the ability to write this email. I will keep working, and hopefully I'll be able to give more. But, seriously Drew, if I don't start to give more than this - that's a sign. You deserve much better. If I get better in other areas but not with us, know that you are better than that)

I hope that reinstating letters to you may help me to share with you what I'm thinking and feeling.

Thank you again for being supportive and encouraging. It means so much.

Love,

Michelle